It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I think people are normalizing furries
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
