suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
