Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
porn star boner night. come get it.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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