You just made me feel so damn special
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
