He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Oh god it's open bar.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
