Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize