Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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