whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
