Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
