I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
