she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
