the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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