i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
