Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
