I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
