Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
