last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
