Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
