I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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