I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
