A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize