I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
