just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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