Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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