Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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