why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
