she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
