she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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