Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
