If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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