i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
