i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
