I accidentally had phone sex last night
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
