how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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