So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
barbara walters just said penis...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
