Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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