M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
As shirtless as possible
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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