Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
