When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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