This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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