just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
