New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
