i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
