1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Holy shit dude........stairs
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
