got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize