I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
