Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
