we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
