How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i came on her dog
you inspire me to be a worse person
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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