Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
