Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Blood and glitter go together right?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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