I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
