We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
