good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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