I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
