that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
