Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
